Words of Hope for Parents of Wayward Adult Children

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! 1 John 3:1

Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing. Luke 13:34

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

When I was in pastoral ministry, there were occasions when I would walk with parents as they faced the fear, guilt and frustration over their grown children’s poor and sometimes sinful choices. I listened as these parents poured out their hearts. What had they done wrong in their parenting? Why did their child reject a godly way of living? And what should they do now to fix it? These questions and others like them expressed the anguish that seemed to know no bounds.

There are, of course, no easy answers to these parental dilemmas. Nevertheless, I would like to offer some general guidelines that may help parents manage their raw emotions and keep the door open to maintaining a relationship with their grown child whether that child changes or not.

Parents need to admit their mistakes but realize that their children are also responsible for their own choices.

Let me be clear. There are no perfect parents. Never have been. Never will be. Therefore, all parenting is expressed out of imperfection. That imperfection will impact their children in a variety of ways. Thankfully, some of the parents’ less than stellar moments will simply be forgotten by their kids or counterbalanced by other more positive things. Either way, there is power in confession. By admitting their mistakes to their kids, parents are not only showing that people make mistakes, but they are also demonstrating the possibility of change and a return to rightful living.

At the same time, it’s critical to remember that children make their own choices out of their own imperfections and brokenness. Therefore, you are not responsible for every bad decision they make. It does you no good to wallow in guilt concerning matters over which you have no control. Remember, they are grown children. They are adults. And like all adults, they have the power to choose either good or bad.

There are more influences in your grown children’s lives than the one you provide.

Certainly, parental influence is a huge factor in any child’s life. That’s true even when the child becomes an adult. However, you are not the only influence. Friends, colleagues, and other adults in their lives also provide an influence. And sometimes that influence runs counter to the godly direction you hoped your child would take. In response you will be tempted to want to ridicule the people who are negatively impacting your child. You may even convince yourself that you are just trying to talk some sense into your prodigal. The truth is that such actions will tend to drive your child to them for solace.

This is a good reminder to all of us as adults that we must make sure that we are influencing the young adults around us in godly and positive ways. Any attempt to drive a wedge between parent and child just because we don’t agree with the parents’ viewpoint is wrong. Instead we should be encouraging every effort to maintain their relationship.

Being loving doesn’t require you to abandon your moral principles.

There are times when your Christian values run contrary to societal norms. If you hold fast to your values, you may be ridiculed as being harsh and unloving. Sometimes these attacks can even come from other believers who have adopted the norms of the world around them. And yes, your wayward child may accuse you of being unloving as well. Over time, these shaming tactics can wear down your resolve. It will just seem easier to go along to get along.

As you face this, it’s important to remember that you can still be loving while maintaining your Christian value system. You do not need to apologize for your viewpoint, nor do you need to attack your child or their supporters who have a different viewpoint. Remember, being gracious and kind is powerful. You can do that and uphold your values at the same time.

Just because a situation seems hopeless today does not mean that it won’t change in the future.

Adulting is hard. That’s especially true for young adults. Social scientists are suggesting that adolescence is now extending well into the twenties. So parents need to be patient as their young adult children navigate these years. I’ve known of several situations where it appeared for awhile that a grown child was going down a wrong path from which there was no return. However, with time for additional growth and maturity came a change. The wrong path was abandoned and better ones were taken. So parents need to take the long look as they consider their grown children. One never knows what the future may bring.

Maintain as much of a relationship as you can.

Sometimes when parents are angry and hurt due to the choices their adult children are making, they are tempted to cut off the relationship. Perhaps it feels easier to do that than to continue dealing with the pain they feel. Or maybe they think that such a drastic action will force their children to change. Whatever the reason, cutting off the relationship is counterproductive. It makes reconciliation even more difficult in the future.

So as much as possible, parents need to keep the relational door open. Yes, there may need to be some boundaries, but the relationship can still be maintained at least from the parents’ perspective. Your adult child will also make choices about the level of relationship he or she is willing to maintain. Once again, parents cannot control this. What they can control is their commitment to keep as much of the relationship in place as possible.

Trust your child into the loving care of God.

The scripture teaches us that God loved us even when we were yet sinners. That means that He is committed to loving us completely outside of our choices, even our bad choices. This is also true of your grown child. God is always going to be at work in your child’s life to bring him or her into the fullness of a living-giving relationship with Him. That work will often happen in unseen and unrecognized ways. But it will be happening. God loves your child even in their waywardness. You can rest in that.

Yet this is an active resting. You will want to partner with God in praying for your child. By praying I mean something more than merely asking God to convict your wayward children. I’m thinking more of such children experiencing the loving invitation of God to a better and more joyful way of living. At the same time, you will want to include yourself in these prayers asking God to give you the grace you need to maintain a joyful life as well. Through your prayers and beyond, God will be at work for your good and your child’s good. And He will never give up.

With that in mind, I close my thoughts by offering this prayer:

Lord, you have shown us what it means to love even when loving is hard. You have walked with us even when we were trying to walk away from you. You have forgiven us each time we have sought your grace. And you have been patient with us as we stumbled on the path toward holiness. In each and every way, you have been our heavenly parent.

Help us then as earthly parents to follow your example as we seek to love wayward children. Grant us your grace to be patient and kind, compassionate and faithful, hopeful and trusting. Dear God, remind us that our children ultimately belong to you. And it is into your care that we entrust them. Show them your heart. Bring holy influences into their lives. Restore them into the fullness of your love.

Finally, Lord we pray for your mercy for our own wayward ways. And may it be that the very grace you give to us will be dispensed through us to our children so that they will know they are loved and through that love be drawn back to the way everlasting.

Through Jesus we pray. Amen.