When Christians Differ: Part 3

Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.” Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches. Acts 15:36-41

In this final post on dealing with differences between Christians, we will once again reflect on the relational breakdown between Paul and Barnabas in order to better manage the conflict that comes when believers disagree with one another.

Forgiveness and forbearance help relationships between believers to hold together as they work through their differences.

Let’s face it. People let us down from time to time. That includes believers. You will be disappointed in them, hurt by them and perhaps bewildered by their actions, words or attitudes. Sadly, we will do the same to them as well. Such is the tragic reality of our old nature when it rears its ugly head. That’s why the twin graces of forgiveness and forbearance are so important.

To forgive means that I refuse to hold a grudge or maintain the need to get even. Though I don’t pretend that the offense didn’t happen, neither do I dwell on it. Bitterness is a form of self-imprisonment. Nothing good comes from it. Forgiveness sets us free to better living and keeps the door open for potential reconciliation.

To forbear is to stay with the relationship in whatever way is healthy and potentially renewing. We may need to establish boundaries, but we draw those lines carefully, prayerfully and after considerable expressions of patience. As surely as we are called to do this with others, they are at times doing this with us as well.

We get a hint that perhaps Paul did this with Mark. In II Timothy we read where Paul asks for Mark to be brought to him. Then he adds the interesting side comment that Mark was useful to him in his ministry. Of course, this could be a different Mark, but more than likely it is the same Mark of Acts 15. If so, some healing had come in their relationship no doubt due to expressing forgiveness and forbearance.

The same is possibly true of the rift between Paul and Barnabas. Paul includes Barnabas in a discussion about the secular work of the apostles. Although there isn’t much information here, it does seem that Paul is thinking of Barnabas in a positive way. Once again, forgiveness and forbearance would have been a part of it.

Relational violations must be owned and confessed in order for restoration to happen.

This takes us beyond the scope of the story in Acts 15, but the need to deal honestly with our misdeeds toward others is a crucial aspect of relational healing. By owning relational violations, I am referring to the need to do a self-inventory of our own actions and attitudes. Note it is our actions and attitudes not the other person’s which need to be examined. The other person has his or her own work to do.

Here we bring an open heart before the Lord so that He may reveal anything in our lives that contributed to the relational breakdown. This is challenging spiritual work. Our false self will want to justify each and every one of our actions or attitudes. So we will need to sit before the Lord long enough for the Spirit to break through this resistance so that we may face the truth.

At the end of this time of reflection, we may conclude that the Spirit has not revealed anything we’ve done wrong that violated the relationship. Yes, there was a difference of opinion about something, but that difference does not by itself mean that we are at fault. Nor do our hurt feelings constitute a wrong. We must remember that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are feelings. If we managed our differences and feelings properly, we can rest in that knowledge.

However, if the Spirit reveals that we have wronged the other person, then confession is in order. By confession I mean admitting the known misdeed we did that violated the relationship. It could be many things: harsh words, manipulative actions, stubbornness, a demanding spirit, ridiculing or making fun of the person before others, and more. Such a confession does not guarantee a positive outcome, but it does open the door for the Spirit to work in powerful ways.

Before I move to the last point, one other thing needs to be mentioned. During the time of personal reflection, we need to broaden our thoughts beyond the one person with whom we’ve had a difference. We need to reflect on all of our relational breakdowns which may reveal some patterns of behavior that need to be confronted in order to lessen the likelihood of them being repeated. We may even discover some unhealthy generational patterns that we learned from our family of origin. These patterns can operate under the surface without us even recognizing their presence. Uncovering them moves us toward becoming free of them.

Not all broken relationships will be restored. Such relationships must be trusted into the loving hands of God.

Sometimes the relational violation is of such magnitude that restoring trust is unlikely. At other times, the needed confession never takes place, so the opportunity for restoration is missed. In addition the offending party may move away or die without any healing of the relationship. In these situations and others like them, we must not allow the broken relationship to cripple us.

Instead we must place these matters into the hands of God whose mercy and grace will be sufficient. We aren’t looking for vindication. We aren’t holding onto the offense. We’re releasing it. If a future restoration comes, we will rejoice. If it doesn’t, we will rest in God’s sustaining grace to empower joyful living for everyone involved.

It certainly seems that both Paul and Barnabas did this. Though no longer together, they continued to fulfill their God-given callings to further the gospel. Likewise we can continue to fulfill whatever calling that has been placed on our lives. We may still feel a sting about the broken relationship whenever it comes to mind. But we don’t have to dwell on it. Instead we can trust that God is still at work for good. And one day, when we are all gathered home as God’s children, we can look forward to the ultimate restoration of our lives.