Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.” Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches. Acts 15:36-41
As I noted in my previous post, even sincere Christians can differ from one another as we see in the relationship between Paul and Barnabas. In this post I will continue to offer some observations based on the story in Acts 15 that hopefully will help us deal with the differences we have with our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.
Allowing time for emotions to settle provides space for working through differences.
Serious disagreements tend to have strongly felt emotions attached to them. We may feel angry that the other person in question even dares to have a different opinion. We may find that we distrust the other person, simply because we cannot see how they could possibly hold the viewpoint they have. We may even feel hurt or betrayed, because the difference seems to be personal in nature. Whatever the case may be, strong emotions and effective reconciliation do not mesh well.
That’s why we need time to allow our emotions to settle. This helps us avoid saying or doing something that adds another layer of yuck to work through before even getting to the initial difference. During that space of time, both parties can reconsider their own viewpoints as well as the viewpoints of others. Perhaps someone else has a valid point that needs to be considered. Maybe our own perspective wasn’t as carefully examined as it should have been. The space also allows us to engage in conversations that are more respectful. Thus the relationship has a greater opportunity to remain in place. One can only wonder whether or not Paul and Barnabas allowed for their emotions to settle or if they simply responded in the heat of the moment.
We need to do a great deal more listening than speaking.
One of the problems we have when we are working through our differences is that we are primarily concerned with being heard not in hearing the other person. Even while the other person is speaking, we’re already forming what we want to say next. When this is happening, little positive progress can be made. We simply aren’t respecting the other person enough to hear their viewpoint. We aren’t told about how well Paul and Barnabas listened to each other, but it doesn’t take a great deal of imagination to conclude that this wasn’t one of their better listening days.
Listening is a significant spiritual discipline. The same is true about not speaking. Training ourselves to speak less and listen more is helpful in general. But it is critical when it comes to working through differences. Listening requires that I not only hear the words the other person is saying but that I also pay attention to their body language, their tone, and the manner in which they speak. Then when it comes time to speak, a pause is usually in order. We need to make sure that we aren’t just reacting off the cuff. Instead we want our words to be carefully considered. Is what I’m going to say accurate?
Is it kind? Does it contribute to resolution? And most of all, does it help maintain the relationship?
Every effort should be made to protect the relationship.
I’ve been amazed over the years to see how easily believers can discard their relationships with other believers over slight differences. For reasons unknown, it seems that it just isn’t worth the effort to maintain the relationship. It’s not that the relationship broke on its own thus making both parties helpless victims. Rather one or both of them broke the relationship by choice.
This seems to be the case with Paul and Barnabas. The text says that they “parted company.” Other translations render the word as “separated.” The word means to vacate or divide. It’s a word that is used to describe what happens to a marriage relationship when a divorce takes place. That’s the intensity of the breakdown in relationship between Paul and Barnabas.
Obviously, this is not good and should be avoided with every ounce of our being. In order for this to work, both parties must be committed to protecting the relationship while seeking to resolve their differences. Of course, none of us can control what the other person does. But we can control what we do. We can make the deliberate choice that we are going to do everything we can do to maintain the relationship whether the other person does or not. That choice at least keeps the door open to a possible change of heart in the future.