A Remedy For Relational Pain

“Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Colossians 3:13

When I was about nine or ten years old, my parents presented a kite to me as a birthday present. I don’t remember whether I asked for one or if they just thought I might enjoy it. Whatever the case may be, my mom helped me put it together including attaching a tail made out of old sheets. Soon I had my kite fully assembled and was ready to take it out for its first and what turned out to be last flight.

Just down from our house was a vacant field that was the perfect location for kite flying. At least it would have been perfect were it not for the boy who lived in the house next to the field. He was about my age and although we went to school together, we didn’t cross paths often. I was soon to find out that we weren’t likely to start being friends in the foreseeable future.

After several failed attempts at getting my kite in the air, I was finally successful. Soon the kite was high in the sky dipping and soaring with the changing winds. I was having a great time when this previously mentioned boy came out of his house with his BB gun. At first it never crossed my mind to think that there was any relationship between my kite and his gun. It didn’t take long for me to learn just how wrong I was.

Almost as soon as he got onto the field, he began shooting at my kite. At first I tried to tug on the string to make my kite a difficult target. That only egged him on. I could hear the BBs hitting my kite, so I started begging him to stop. That didn’t help either. With sadistic gleam he kept on shooting. By the time I realized that the only hope I had was to pull my kite back to the ground, it was too late. He had splintered the wooden frame of my kite which sent is spiraling down to the ground in a great crash.

My mom heard my unheeded pleas and went to the window in time to watch my kite hit the ground. She immediately called me to come home which I did with my broken kite in hand. I don’t remember what bothered me the most about that day. Was it the destruction of my birthday present or was it the callous disregard of my pleas for him to stop shooting? I guess it was combination of both. Needless to say it was a sad day.

I tell that story to let you know that I have an appreciation for what it means to be hurt by others. Actually, I have other stories that would even better illustrate the point, but they are not appropriate for me to share in writing for the world to see. Let me just say that at some level I get how painful the actions of others can be. Nevertheless, I recognize that the pain you’ve experienced from others may make anything that I’ve gone through seem like nothing. Be that as it may, we all have experienced people who have hurt us deeply, and we have to do something with it.

Sometimes we’re tempted to hold all that pain inside. We push it down in the recesses of our hearts, because it’s too painful and too scary to face. We convince ourselves that if we just don’t think or talk about it, the pain will eventually go away. But it doesn’t. The untreated wound sits in our soul slowly infecting every aspect of our being. Often this infection expresses itself in depression or withdrawal. In some respects the unresolved pain keeps wounded us over and over again.

At other times we try to deal with our pain by lashing out at others who cross us in the future. Because the inner pain metastasises within, our reactions to perceived wrongs in are exaggerated. While we may be successful at keeping score when others wound us, there is an unintended consequence. People begin to hold us at arms length or simply abandon us altogether. They’re just not willing to take the risk of setting us off again. The feelings of rejection are now added to the pain we already feel inside.

Thankfully, there is another way. It’s described in Colossians 3. “Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” In short, Paul’s instructions are for us to forbear and to forgive.

Forbearance carries with it the idea of longsuffering and patience. To be longsuffering is maintain a spirit of restraint when provoked so as not to retaliate or punish as a knee-jerk reaction. Those who suffer long choose mercy instead of anger. To be patient is to not allow our circumstances to overwhelm our spirits which leads to despair. Instead the patient person holds to hope believing that God is at work for good.

This does not mean that we should allow others to continually abuse us emotionally or physically. When abuse is involved, we may need to distance ourselves from the offending party for our own safety and well-being. Forbearance comes into play when we encounter the inevitable irritants and disappointments that come when we live in relationship with fallen human beings. We forbear not only because no one with whom we share in relationship is perfect but also because we are ourselves are not perfect. We too are irritating and disappointing to others as surely as they are to us.

To forgive means that we grant an unconditional grace to those who have wounded us. According to Paul, the forgiveness we need to express is the very same forgiveness we have experienced from Christ. As Christ gave His unconditional favor to us, so we must grant that same gift to others.

To be clear, to forgive does not mean we pretend that nothing bad has happened or that we have no feelings about it. Nor does it mean that broken relationships are immediately restored. It does mean that we release the offending party into the merciful and just hands of God. Our hope is that God will be at work bringing truth to light and change to the hearts of all involved. We simply refuse to allow a seed of bitterness to be planted in our hearts.

Forbear and forgive. It’s not easy. Nor it is something that is only chosen once. The truth is that we are often called to forbear and forgive just like Jesus does with us. That can be wearisome until we realize the frequency in which Christ is forbearing and forgiving toward us. The more we come to appreciate the gracious manner in which He deals with our shortcomings and failures, the more empowered we are to treat others in the same way.